Mind Freak

I've actually had writer's block since I first got word,

that the pathologist first diagnosis was completely absurd.

Living with "cancer" for the past 3 weeks was emotionally draining.

Now to learn it's benign....that's great, I'm not complaining.

But what an incredible Mind Freak, to prepare for this voyage,

the flood of emotions from despair to self pity to courage.

I know I should feel elated, jubilant, overwhelming relief.

But I am just short on emotions, this has been beyond belief.

I am greatly relived that this journey is nearly over

and as a result has brought my friends and family closer.

To those that love me and offered what ever I needed.

I can't begin to thank you, all your prayers have succeeded.

So I guess I'll have to rename my blog, Dancer will be retired.

Rhymes with Pre-Menopause? Or something more inspired?

Thank you to all my family and friends for the outpouring of emotional support.

I am truly in your debt and please call me if you ever need anything.

Waiting game

It's been a while since I've blogged, I owe an update.
The jury is still out, so now I sit here and wait.
Someone looked real hard and thinks the tissue is benign.
That could explain why I have always felt fine.
It appears no one can agree, I'm a matter of debate.
Yet, I can say I've been to Harvard, but didn't graduate.
My tissues were sent to to that great Boston college
to see if it is truly cancer we should acknowledge.
My surgery has been canceled, until further review
we'll wait on pathology, then we'll decide what to do.
So I sit and I wait, I wait and I sit.
I should be more hopeful, but I'm tired of this shit.

Tricia's Stand | Stand Up To Cancer

I have started a team to raise lots of money,

because there is much to do, its not even funny.

They've raised lots money for research and grants,

so I am doing my part since I've now joined the dance.

Everyone's told me "let me know if there's a thing I can do!"

Put your money where your mouth is and give a buck or 2.

I know the economy has tanked, no one's a Bill Gates

Do what you can, if you can, any amount would be greats!

please click this link  -->  Tricia's Stand | Stand Up To Cancer    

Second Opinion Blues

Went to Moffitt today, it was nice, even charming.
But damn if the news wasn't just as alarming.
Doc One and Doc Two must have gone to the same school,
same diagnosis, same treatment, I felt like a fool.

Due to the rare nature, my case is not clear
It's the unknown,  the not sures, that I've come to fear.
Yet I have resigned to the fact surgery is my fate
and will accept the 21st as the scheduled date.

So comparing apples to apples, both the just the same
Same credentials, experience, just a different name.
Morton Plant here I come, warm fuzzies or not.
Doc 2 was really nice, but he sure blinked a lot.

We now return you to the non-rhyming portion of the blog.....

So in all seriousness,  I had come to expect the same answers and treatment plan before I went to Moffitt.   I was hoping the Dr. had a less invasive treatment plan, but that is just not in the cards for me.  The suspected tumor near the spleen, the hysterectomy and omentectomy are all reasons to do the full abdominal surgery.  As both docs explained it... since I was such an unusual case they need to get in and find out where the cancer originates, where else it may be and where it could go.  This will also allow them to feel around and possibly find something they could miss just using a laparoscope.  As much as I don't like it, it is my only option since there are so many unknowns.

I haven't really cried in a few days.   I am not sure if it is true acceptance or I am just numb.   Today I was in a pretty good mood, goofy even.   Joking around, singing and doing silly dances.  My co-workers wanted to know what the doctor gave me...no, not drugs.  Nothing really,  just a sense that this was the best course of action and that this would help me lead a longer life.  I don't know what the next few weeks will bring me, but I plan on enjoying them as much as I can.

Me, speechless??

I am so grateful for the outpouring of support and love I have received.
Knowing I have so many friends and family behind me is the best possible medicine.
Thank you!!!!

Every little note, I will certainly treasure.
Your support,  it goes beyond measure.
Encouragement and love are the wind in my sail,
Cancer will not win, with you... I'll prevail.

Haiku - by request

Second opinion?
Wanting, hoping, better news,
needing a better answer.

Are you F'n kidding?

When I went to Doc Cure-me this morning, I was filled with hope.
"I'll take my hysterectomy now", he looked at the scan and said nope.
Seem theres a blip, an anomaly that we just cant finger.
It's a tumor, probably the problem, so it just can't linger.

What happened to caught it early? What happened to all my luck?

Unknown tumor near my spleen, are you kidding?  What the fuck?

"True, it's odd this happened, you are an unusual case

but to find the right answers I'll need all kinds of space."

"You will be filleted like a fish, carved like a ham.
I'll scoop out your innards and remove what I can.
The best way to treat this is to pull it all out."
Are you F'n kidding?  No other way? I wanted to shout!

I wasn't expecting this, this is not such great news.
I thought being spayed would be "paying my dues"
The news was shocking but not nearly as much as this answer...
"it is probably a mutated form of breast cancer."

I am scared and I am mad,  I can't get my head around this,
I suppose I am lucky and should be glad that they found this.
I'm finding it hard to be optimistic and not sure just what to do
I suppose I'll call another doc for opinion number two.

Rhymes with Dancer - a poem by Tricia

I can'be belive it's happening, I'm just thirty-nine.
I was doing pretty good, if fact, almost  fine.
Then some tests, a surgery, a couple of cross sections,
was called to Doc's office where I  asked some dumb questions.
Got "your're lucky,  caught it early" and a  life changing answer,
" Yes, I'm afraid,,, what  we're talking about rhymes with dancer."

Can I ask a stupid question?

     This is my very first blog.  I am not sure anyone will read it, but that doesn't matter.  This is for me.   I need to be able to get all my feelings out.   So here is the the beginning of my story.... (names have been rhymed to protect the innocent.)


    Last March I had pains in my left side accompanied by a fever.  Lasted for a couple days, I finally went to an walk-in clinic.  Dr. took a urine sample, said it was a UTI, gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.  Still wasn't feeling great, found myself a great new primary Dr.  who said it must have been diverticulitis because I was feeling slightly better and that is the antibiotic of choice for divers.   Ok!  So I tried to modify my diet, no nuts or seeds, check. 


    Flash forward to July,  I threw caution to the wind and enjoyed my favorite Chinese dish, Kung Po chicken...am I stupid?  Nuts, paper flakes, spicy...then that telltale discomfort in my side...what have I done?   3 days later I can barely walk, back to the walk-in clinic.   The Nurse-Practitioner takes a look at me, I tell her I think it's an attack of diverticulitis, she touches my stomach and I scream.   She says there is nothing she can do, I need to be examined and tested.  So off to the ER I go,  fully expecting I am going to be given a blue ribbon for worst case of intestinal discomfort.   They start me off with a CT scan...had no idea those cost about $7K.  Thankfully our insurance company gets a good discount.   The CT revealed no diverticulitis.  "But there is a mass on your left overy."  Mass?  What kind of mass???  So in comes the ultrasound tech,  belly and trans-vaginal sonograms reveal fluid filled cyst, not so scary now.  "Here you go..take some vicoprofen and see your GYN."


     So I visit my OB/GYN, whom I love, Dr Prodd.  After more sonograms, blood tests and such he decides he needs to pop the hood and take a look.   I was scheduled for an exploratory laproscopy.  I was nervous about it.  I am older now, have more to lose, didn't like the thought of being "put under".  After a few panic attacks, I was ready... I knew Dr. Prodd would take good care of me.   


     Turns out the mass was actually a kink in the fallopian tube that had basically died and created a tennis ball sized cyst.  They removed it and tied my other tube while they were in the neighborhood.   That was fine with me... Drama-nic and Brat-arina are all I could ever need.   At the time of the surgery they did some washes and sections to check for abnormal cells.  Everything came back "all clear."   Surgery went well, recovery was looking good.   Mission accomplished.


    Then a few days later I get a call.  "Dr. Prodd would like to see you tomorrow, first thing."  "Uh, is this about test results?"  The nurse said yes.  My head is spinning, this can't be good, they never want to see you right away for good news.    I mumble something affirmative about taking the appointment and hang up.


     Trying to get my head around this, I ring the office again.  The nurse laughed, she said "I thought you might be calling back."  She explained that some of the cells were abnormal on different pieces of tissue they had sent to the pathologist.   She said Dr. Prodd could explain it in detail and would probably refer me to an oncologist.  Oncologist??   So I started thinking... do I really have cancer?


    I would get a form of the answer the next day,  Dr. Prodd carefully explained the procedure I had under gone, showed me some graphic pics of my innards.  And then danced carefully around the C word.   He mentioned the oncologist, possible hysterectomy, low grade microscopic cells...I heard every word but the one I thought was most important.  CANCER.    So I sat on the exam table trying to make sense of it. Then I just blurted out..."Can I ask a stupid question?  Do I have cancer?"   I really don't remember what he said, but I know it was some form of YES.   He talked about how lucky I was they found it very early and for most women this would not have been found until they had symptoms and then it is almost too late.


     So here I sit,  trying to be upbeat and I think I am for the most part.   I even make jokes about my possible hysterctomy...."I'd rather have an empty apartment than a bad tenant."   I focus on my work, my kids, trying to keep the house clean.
But then that stray thought pops in my head....."Can I ask a stupid question?  Do I have cancer?"


     The answer is yes.   Some times I want to scream, I want to make t-shirts that say, "Stop whining, you don't have cancer."   I start to cry thinking why me?  What is to come?   Then there are times I just try to come up with a good cancer joke, who doesn't love those.  I am getting a bit overly dramatic, my prognosis is pretty good... I think... at least that is what I am told.    I guess I will find out more when I meet Dr. Cure-me. 


    All I am certain of at this point is I have begun a long strange journey that I am not quite prepared for.